A few weeks after my surgery to remove my thyroid and all the lymph nodes along the sides of my neck– and with it the rare cancer that was growing there— I joined a couple of Facebook support groups for those with medullary thyroid cancer.
Maybe it was a mistake.
I hear from so many people with stage 3 and stage 4 MTC that have surgery to remove the cancer, then have recurrences and more surgeries… maybe years later. Or worse yet, those who have no other choice but to use one of a few different medications and radiation that will keep the cancer at bay since they cannot get rid of it.
My mind begins to wander to… Will that be me?
That's when I start to wonder if it was a mistake for me to join the group. The hearing stories that allows me to begin to let fear creep in is what causes me to wonder if being in these groups was a mistake for me.
But being a part of these support groups has also been a benefit to me. I have learned so much about this disease from my fellow meddies (the affectionate term we use to refer to those of us with medullary thyroid cancer). It really is information that is beneficial to me.
So maybe joining the support group wasn't really a mistake after all…
One of the things that I have learned about medullary thryoid carcinoma (cancer) is that this type of thyroid cancer is rare and does not function like most cancers. It can run in families but sometimes occurs randomly without a family history (or future). In my case, it is in my family. In fact, it is just one part of the broader disease that I have, Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia. Medullary thyroid cancer is not caused by radiation or a random gene mutation like the more common forms of thyroid cancer. It is triggered from within my genes. I have this one faulty gene that is triggered to go a little hyperactive; this extra activity begins the growth of the cancer. In essence, my genes have betrayed me.
I have also recently learned from my fellow support group meddies that medullary thyroid cancer tends to spread early… and microscopically. Therein lies the source of my wondering… and fighting against fear.
Am I just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I can't go there. I can't live that way. I belong to God the Father, and He is trustworthy. I have to daily renew my mind and plaster new wallpaper on the walls of my brain– wallpaper that has "Freedom from Fear" printed all over it. I remind myself daily that there is joy to be found in living this life of continual trust in the Father.
Yes, it's hard to walk out this choice of denying fear and choosing to walk in joy– even when it's hard to find– but it is a choice I must make. I don't know how to live any other way. The choice is hard, but it's good.
I just recently had blood work done to check all my cancer numbers again. We last checked three months ago. My numbers weren't down to normal– YET— but they were much lower than before surgery, and my doc was very encouraged by them.
So now we are in the place of waiting…
I can't change what is happening inside my body, but I know He who can. My job is to wait for those numbers to come back while living joyfully in the days He has given me. I have children to love. I have an amazing husband to cherish. I have all I really need in life.
And I have new breath in my body for this day. {Whoop!}
So today I am choosing not to wait for a shoe that may never drop.
I am choosing not to worry over whether this cancer will return to my body. It may never come, and I don't want to waste my days on it.
Instead, I will give my days to living with joy and thankfulness for each moment that my Loving Father has mercifully given me.
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